Memories
2026Even though neither you nor they are meant to be in each other's lives forever, that doesn't mean you should be pessimistic about it; rather, you should be grateful that they are prepared to bear the possible pain of losing you in order to create wonderful memories both now and in the future.
Memories are our raison d'être.
Change
2026It is sort of repulsive that in retrospect, I am changing people, and they are changing me just by being in their vicinity. How are you supposed to accept that you are just as malleable as the others?
Emotions
2026For reasons unknown or not obvious to me, I've been unable to feel emotions at a high volume... if I had to describe it, I think I feel most emotions at 15%, with the remaining 85% being apathy.
In this way, it is troublesome because being connected to yourself and your emotions seems to be a requirement to be able to have a fulfilling life, and properly connect with your friends— but it is not something that I possess... at a high capacity, anyway.
Even if I do feel an emotion at an unusually higher rate, I don't usually know the name of it due to how infrequent that sort of experience is. For sadness, it feels like mild heaviness— but that's it. For anger, it feels like mild irritation, and for happiness, it feels like... appreciation, heightened awareness and appreciation for things, yes.
I think I am capable of laughing and finding jokes funny, it happens a few times a month. Other than that, however, when it comes to negative emotions— it's not enjoyable to share these things with anyone, no matter what. There is this sense of "wrongness" to it that is quite unexplainable somewhat.
The most frightening thing... for me is that I cannot find happiness within other people or within myself. There is this sense of apathy all the time, permeating my days and nights— causing a "longing" to be able to connect to people, yet each time an attempt to do so is made, further alienates me. Should I involve myself with people even if I personally cannot feel emotionally connected to them? Will this hurt someone in the process if they expect something else out of me for which I cannot provide?
It does not seem that emotional disconnection affects just how you interact with others, but yourself, as well. Each day is interchangeable— painfully passing in the blink of an eye as you lose track of what once was meaningful or if you ever even had something you valued within yourself or others.
To others on the exterior I might not seem like it, but from within myself on the inside I feel like a blank slate. Unable to value myself, and thus, not value others.
Even if I do seek out meaningful connections or somehow obtain them; it is an inevitability that I push people away in the eventual future for whatever reasons that may be. Existing in people's conscience for an extended period of time feels perturbing.
Desiring connections, yet pushing people away, this paradoxical existence is fraught with nothing but piles of contradictions with nothing to show for.
Nothing to answer for.
"It"
2025If loneliness stems from unmet expectations from the relationships that we have, what is it that I expect from the people that I currently know in my life?
Will I know what "it" is? Can they give me "it"? Will I want to receive "it" from them?
Disconnect
2025Feelings of isolation born not just from secluding ones self from the others but from a disconnect within ones self.
Seeing the past of their growth and rightfully placed flaws in the other person that has overcome of their own trials, but it's too abstract and distant for them to grasp... so they sit in this isolated fearful state, unable to believe that they could ever change or be worthy of that same, wonderful transformation.
It's that kind of human solitude where even though the speaker is interacting with someone else, they'll feel like there's a chasm they can never cross.
Living Zombie
2022When emotionally blunted, you have more control over yourself and your mental state - at the very least, you can force yourself to do things like work without feeling as if the world is going to end, even if the emotional blunting can put up emotional walls between people you're close to. Both are negatives in the end, but at the very least there is something that works.
"It is as if the individual endorsed a strategy of playing dead to stay alive (yet becoming tragically dead-in-life in the name of life)".
Unsociable
2021The tendency of unsociable people is to reject and run away from others as soon as they are displeased with something, whether in the real world or on the Internet, so they cannot have a proper relationship with anyone for a long time.
As long as you continue that kind of running away habit, you will never be able to relate to anyone.
Types of people
2025There are many types of people in this world… namely, one; those who try to tell the truth as much as they can, second; those who try to tell the truth as little as they can… and third, those who can’t differentiate between a truth and a lie. The third one is the most troublesome sort; you can never be sure, and they, too, can never be sure if what they say or do truly means anything to them personally.
They try to understand even though they share no interest in doing so, they laugh even if no one is, they speak even if they do not care to engage in a discussion, they try to connect to others even if they are unable to crave intimacy. There is always this sense of "otherness" to them, and the well-adjusted naturally will try to avoid this undertone.
They’re very much more troublesome than the people who always lie, because their genuine attempts at honesty confuses everyone including themselves. It’s a tragic comedy, of some sort… like watching an extraterrestrial trying their best to connect and integrate but is lacking the ”essence” that is the prerequisite to form genuine, human connections.
In a sense, though, aren’t the desperately real - yet dishonest attempts of connecting with people, and struggling to maintain it, more genuine than those who do not struggle?
Friendships
2022I think one of the worst things people can do is probably put "pressure" on that a friendship has to be in a constant state of "give" and "take". Perhaps it's good to have that sort of thing in a professional relationship, but I do not think it can be applied to personal relationships, such as those who are a part of your private social life.
I do not have to gain or lose something every time I talk to someone, and I do not have to belittle myself for not being capable of keeping consistency in conversations. The best one can do is talk when possessing the genuine desire to interact, not because it is expected.
Are you talking to me because you feel that it is expected, or because you'd like to?
Cycle
2025The days have been passing in the blink of an eye. Friends become strangers, and strangers become friends. I become a stranger to myself. My 'self' grows old and stagnant, then blooms into a new self, as if it was shedding its' skin occasionally.
You evolve, then become worse, then become better... and on it loops. You will love the person you were a few years ago, then hate it, then love yourself as of now, then hate yourself as of now, and shed it again. You get new interests, then discard them, then rediscover them. You get new companions, then discard them, then rediscover them. You get a new self, then discard it, then rediscover it.
Skin shedding. Name shedding. Am I in the process of shedding my skin yet again? Probably. There is no constant 'self', regardless. I am stuck in this agonizing bot-like cycle, repeating the errands of assimilation and constant self-evaluation... justifying this existence with doing pointless chores each day, regular media consumption in the form of animated or book catharsis, talking to myself in circles, of the superficial belief of some sort of accomplishment being done when nothing has been done to contribute towards anything meaningful.
Oh well!
Scattered thoughts
III.Different people will perceive you differently, different people will do different things with you and different people will have different notions of how much they like you. But that doesn't discredit your value, it doesn't discredit that you are vital and important.
Scattered thoughts
II.I think like with taking care of pets, people should be more aware of the amount of responsibility it takes to love someone and make the conscious effort to be with them. It is another life you're interacting with, after all.
Scattered thoughts
I.Both religion and science can't be independent; religion answers what science can't, and science answers what religion couldn't.
Puritanism
2025To risk sounding pretentious; I'm not particularly into the whole moral judgement thing. I never understood that sort of thing. I think it's okay to not agree with people on some opinions but I don't particularly enjoy those who think their judgement is absolute and if you disagree with them, you're a villain that needs to be stopped.
Of course, I prefer to avoid people that makes me uncomfortable, but I won't go out of my way to change their opinion about a subject. The reality is that you can't decide what people should or shouldn't say, it's not for you or anyone else to control. You should be more concerned with yourself than what other people think.
This isn't really about modern puritans although it is applicable. Throughout history, there have always been people trying to control people under the guise of ethics when in reality they just want to feel in control and righteous for enforcing their beliefs.
It's fine to stand up for what you think is right and bring awareness, but you can't ever force anyone to think or believe something. That's for them to decide.